My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.