They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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