When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
