mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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