i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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