when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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