I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We talked him into tasing himself.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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