my phone needs a breathalizer
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
