literally had 100 drinks last night.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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