I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
