My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
How naked do you want me to be?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
