Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
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i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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