the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
