Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
