apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Holy sore nipples Batman
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
