I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
