I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
this beer tastes like vomit already
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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