my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
