Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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