She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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