dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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