hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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