its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
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The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
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Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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