then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
