I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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