help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
