We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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