the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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