note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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