i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We left the knife in your bed.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
please don't ironically join a cult
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