She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
