I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
