how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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