apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
