Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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