i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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