I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
