I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
