Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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