As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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