Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
