The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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