When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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