Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
