oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
