Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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