i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
