there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
