EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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