im six kinds of drunk right now
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
