My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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