im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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