the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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