No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize