I'm jealous of your bromance
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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