I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
