I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
